When was the last time you felt like dating was going well? I laugh as I write this because maybe I have experienced that feeling for a millisecond at best. Although I hope you are not like me but if you are I have some thoughts on how this can change, maybe even improve if we are optimistic together. 

During a recent conversation with an out-of-town friend, I was struggling to answer the question - “How is dating in San Francisco or the Bay area generally?” While at the time I gave a very generic answer it only took me a train ride across the bridge to realize the word I was looking for, algorithmic. 

We all want the optimal, which is to say we want the best experience for the least amount of effort. In reality it may not even be a question of effort but the amount of emotional volatility we stomach during our own respective dating windows that determines how willing we are to find love or lust or something in between. 

While optimal, consistent and decent are all sound terms for other areas of our lives, I doubt that many of us want those adjectives used to describe our love or sex lives. It is tough because the reality is that most people are optimizing their time to accommodate career, family, friends, travel, and entertainment since these areas offer more consistent forms of fun and satisfaction. 

However, in the trenches of love there are no guarantees and no predictability. This is what makes dating exhilarating, frightening and daunting for the many of us still asking randos online what their favorite color is. In dating many of us, myself included, have opted to take a “chill” approach and not get too worked up or invested. Yet, I have to admit that on my side of the trenches this has not made the process of dating any less shit. 

When we restrict the fluctuations of our human emotions, we also constrict the opportunity to make a more meaningful connection. Basically we have to be willing to feel cringe and messy to really uncover core lessons about who we are and what we want in a partner. In an age where we can re-touch photos, curate posts and avoid people in person, the idea of just letting an unedited version roam free did not sit well with me at first either. 

As time goes on, I do find it a lot easier to sustain during periods when I am willing to date. Additionally I find that I prefer to know if some one is fucking with me sooner rather than later. Now the real trick is getting over the fear of being cringe and just having the guts to go for the people we want and the experiences we want too. Emotions are a tricky thing because they are like body cramps - make you feel like you're dying but they pass. 

In addition to the generally restrictive mindset about dating it is understandable that macro conditions will inevitably impact the dating trends we see today. Major political changes, poor economic trends and massive layoffs in the news all impact how inclined people are to take risks when it comes to dating. It is also understandable that people abstain from dating altogether as a means of survival in one of the worst job markets in years. 

The Economic Form recently updated a piece called Gen Z is facing record challenges in today’s labour market, and other trends in jobs and skills this month which states, “ While overall joblessness remains low, youth unemployment is rising. In the US, the rate for young workers hit 10.8% in July, compared to 4.3% overall, according to US Bureau of Labor Statistics data.” 

Money isn’t the only thing on our minds as political views become increasingly polarized as well. In a recent survey conducted by NPR the author Elena Moore writes: 

“According to the latest NPR/PBS News/Marist poll, a majority of Americans under 45 say it's important to date or marry someone who shares their political views. It's a preference that appears to matter less and less as Americans age. Among Gen Z and young millennials — those 18-29 — six in 10 feel it's important, compared to just a third of Baby Boomers, those Americans over 60.” 

Macro conditions are important because in this era we are living in they are not abstract concepts any longer. The lack of economic opportunities for young people is palpable as is the increasing political divide. While both of these points of contention are not unique to San Francisco, the one attribute that makes this city so notorious is that here we bear witness to the extremes. 

The city is a place where individuals can visibly identify the economic and political insecurity the country is facing in a more pronounced form. Other major cities may also have visible indicators but San Francisco’s Tech reputation is what makes this a particular place for these conditions to reveal themselves. 

San Francisco’s tech dominance makes it a desirable city for all those committed to being more involved in tech. The extremes of socio-economic conditions are not the only thing affecting the trenches, but the  overwhelming bias for logical/pathological patterns as well. Tech has primed the individuals that contribute to see systems, places, and most importantly people as a series of binary decisions with quantifiable inputs/outputs. 

While this may be a useful skill in the office, I doubt that people want to be treated or feel like another option in the pipeline of love. Love and logic have always been at odds and there are many many poets that touch on this subject at length. Unfortunately, this is something lost on many of the residents in the Bay Area whether they are working in tech or not. When the dating pool is full of people who prefer predictability, flee from conflict and restrain their pleasure - how fun can dating even be?  

Dating in San Francisco is nice on occasion, but mostly lacks  the excitement of unpredictability. Part of the appeal when it comes to flirting, is in the tension behind what could happen. The fact that most individuals here want a more binary decision when it comes to dating makes it hard to cultivate the romance and excitement that exists in spontaneity. 

Personally, even if I’m not in a position to pursue a committed relationship, I still enjoy the romance of meeting someone new and having new experiences with them. Dating is fun when we make room for new introductions, allow ourselves to fumble the process of expressing interest and detach from the binary. 

Unfortunately, most of us are primed to think in terms of quantifiable parameters such as height, location, job title and what relationship title people list on their profiles. When in reality some of these attributes may actually get in the way of exploring connections with people that we can form connections with. This is not a matter of neglecting preference or boundaries but looking beyond binary categories. 

During the summer I made dating a more prominent component of my life and was out meeting new people in order to really explore what dating looks like for me. I was able to learn a lot about the type of person I want as a partner and about other people’s views on love too. In July I made a connection with a person living in San Francisco who had a lot of the same overlapping interests. 

The summer was summering and I was really excited to get to know this person more. We texted often about our favorite musicians, sent memes back and forth and left long ass voicemails to each other about the day's events. We had had enough dates that I was actually starting to think about what this person would like as a season regular in my life , if you catch my drift? Unfortunately for me, I had suggested we wait on the sex and really build out the friendship that already came so easily to us. 

It was not about “saving sex for someone special” but about building up the tension and not being too anxious about the aftermath that sex often brings when dating someone new. What I knew is that I had met a person I really liked, we acted like friends that had known each other forever and that I wanted to not worry about sex quite yet. 

Now the end of this story is that when they heard this they acted diplomatically in person and I got a farewell text soon after. Everyone has needs and preferences in dating, so the farewell was understandable but it was the delivery of sentiment that had me thinking. The text read a little something like this : Hey I am not looking for something strictly platonic right now. I really enjoyed getting to know you. 

On the surface, not bad but the key words for me are - right now. I was disappointed because there was no longer alignment between us both but I was more disappointed about the fact that I was being evaluated only from the present. 

What if we had let it linger? What if we continued to date and I hadn’t said anything ? What if I was secretly not that into them? 

All of these questions are entertaining at best but do not really add any constructive lessons to the dating acumen. The truth is that they had every right to evaluate me from the present tense, most people do and that is fine, great even. However, the spark/magic/chemistry is best when brewed slowly and intentionally. But in a city where there is always a more “optimal” option around the corner, why waste time ? 

Finding a partner is a combination of Discernment and Opportunity which is difficult in our increasing self-isolating lives. There are lots of smart, great people in the bay area but a lot of us are feeling tired and pessimistic about dating.  The bay area in general boasts one of the highest concentrations of education attainment in the country and the city is populated with plenty of young people and yet does not feel like dating has any real attainability. 

Regardless of the specific concoction that is limiting our individual dating lives I do believe that love does exist. We have all just had one too many talking stages and we are fed up and don't want to flirt. The chaos of flirting in addition to everything else going on is hard but so is swiping on another rando. 

I am optimistic that we will find love and more people are craving community and meaningful connections everyday. We just have to be willing to flail around a bit and go analog.